I went out to lunch with a friend of mine today. We have been friends a few years now. She has said to me on numerous occasions that I can do better than Baseball boy and to think long and hard before really walking down the isle. I don't mind- I know she is looking out for me- actually her reasoning is flattering.
She is truly concerned that we will always be in the poorhouse and my life will never match the potential I have to do better.
It's a bit hard to explain here- but I'm gonna try. Her standard for "I have a successful life" is my version of "I have so much money I am not sure what to do with it all." Lucky for her- she has got great job skills and is used to making over a 100k a year when she is working. So she's not a piner (but I wannnttt itttt!) she just buys it if she wants it. And she dates men who can afford her.
She and I get along real well so she has no problem being honest with me. So last year she sat me down and expressed that she is concerned BB and I will be poor for the rest of our lives. The same questions lots of friends ask me, and I ask myself sometimes; "When is this baseball going to pay off or end? When is a REAL job in your future?" But she always ends this conversation with, "Are you SURE you want to marry this guy?" Not-"what are you guys gonna do?" It's not a 'how-will-you-guys-together-survive?' question. It's a 'you-can-still-get-out now.' question.
Today she was like, "You know your so pretty-why are you settling down now? Don't you want to have a boat, or a big house?...what is it that you like about BB?"
In her heart of hearts, she thinks we are headed for divorce- because BB does not have any potential to provide the lifestyle that I could have with someone else. And I will eventually realize I could be living a much more comfortable life with someone other than BB.
A few times when I talk of buying a house or some big commitment thing- she goes-"Oh Gamecock- don't get a house together-if you guys break up..." And when she talks of us breaking up, I DO get offended. BB and I have never been rocky in our relationship since I have known her. He and I have never gotten into a big fight or anything, and I have nothing to really complain about BB to her except petty things, like "he annoyed me today because he used all the gas in my car." -Plus-she has only met him once! So it's not like she does not like him on a personal level.So when she predicts we will break up I do get offended. But other times when she deeply questions why I am marrying him, I know it's just her being concerned.
She truly does not understand why I choose to be with a poor man when I can have a rich one. I have tried to explain that I'm not concerned about the financial future because right now we live off less than 30k a year-combined. Literally- we have nowhere to go but earn more money. And we are comfortable right now. Sure we don't have everything we want. Sure we do pine for things- but if we can comfortably live off no money now- we will feel like we are rolling in dough when we start really pulling in money.So if money is the #1 cause of breakups- and we have not broken up by now- I think we're good. Plus I look at her and she has a combined household income of over 200k a year (living with her BF) and is equally comfortable in her life as I am in mine. She has dreams of buying things she cant afford too!
My friend does not get that. She has told me she supported my dating when he had potential to make the big leagues- but now she does not get why I stay with him.
She thinks I am settling for a mediocre life when I could have her life.
But I think her concern is more reflective of her. Her easy dismissal of the way BB loves me and the fun life that I get to live because of him makes me wonder what her relationships are like. I wonder if her relationships do not have the level of understanding, caring and happiness that BB and I have- or she would not be so easily dismissing the fact that I have those elements in my life. (After all, finding a guy who truly loves you and cares about you is the hardest guy to find.) I think she thinks she has it all, but actually sacrifices some personal needs for material needs and believes her relationship is the way everyone elses is.
She thinks the way her life is- is the way everyone's life is. (weird sentence right there BTW) And of course life is not like that, so I just brush off her concern as her issue.
I'm not sure why I am bringing it up in this blog. The fact that she is concerned for me is not on my mind- it's more that she does not understand how I am ok living like this. It's more that I am starting to wonder if she thinks I am a loser because not only do I not have the money she does- but I am kind of rejecting the best option I have available to have that kind of money in my life. I have always had her respect- but she does equate money with brains and success...so now that BB clearly isnt going to the majors- I wonder if her outlook of me will change. I know she respects ambition. She has plenty of it. And I don't have it.
You know when you see an attractive girl with a sloppy man and just think "what does she see in him??"- I think that's the way my friend see's my relationship with BB now that he has no major league prospects.
Am I way laid back to dismiss her concern, or am I supposed to make some snarky remark to shut her up?
My friend is worried about me
October 5th, 2008 at 11:15 pm
October 6th, 2008 at 12:22 am 1223252536
By the way, our 7th anniversary is tomorrow. It's too bad I'm too sick to care. We'll celebrate later.
October 6th, 2008 at 01:40 am 1223257251
I know how you feel though. I think BF & I are still so young that many people don't press their concerns on me, but every now and then I get a "look" or small comment that says the same thing.
I've always been super-ambitious, eager to pave my way to a successful career and life, despite the fact that I was a first generation college student and had to find a way to pay for everything myself. I inched my way to better jobs, and now at the position I have, I often get people that look at me sideways when I tell them my BF works at a grocery store. They always ask "Oh, he's the manager?" and I have to say "No, he just works there."
One girl at work has even told me "You're young, pretty, funny, crazy smart and on the road to success... don't you ever think about who else is out there?" It does offend me, but then I think that that person obviously doesn't understand what I have with BF, and how I don't think it's easy to find with just anybody.
October 6th, 2008 at 03:06 am 1223262410
If it makes you feel any better, this is a classic rich-man's-gold vs poor-man's-rose. Classic country song; Patsy Cline does a great cover of it. Your assessment is spot on: your friend would have picked the rich man, and she's wondering why you wouldn't do it. Because she seems to always bringing it up I have to ask additional questions of you: Is she really your friend? Or is she your mom in disguise?
These questions are actually more important because I suspect that if you remain "friends" with her after you get married, she's not going to ease up with this. Far from it, she's going to step up the pressure and the comments as soon as she gets wind of strife between you two.
October 6th, 2008 at 03:19 am 1223263158
But I like Dmonty's line "no one knows our situation but us and we do just fine." - that's how I feel too. Perhaps because I feel that she doesnt really KNOW BB and my relationship that I am able to brush it off so easily. As much as friends talk- sometimes no words will describe a situation as well as time does. Eventually she will see we are rock solid.
October 6th, 2008 at 04:23 am 1223267016
She just doesn't see that your happiness is the relationship. Hopefully, she will someday.
October 6th, 2008 at 12:44 pm 1223297054
Great post by Jan H. I totally agree!
October 6th, 2008 at 02:09 pm 1223302152
She may be great to talk to now, but the bottom line, she is bringing negativity into your mind, future marriage, and private environment. Before you know it, you will be thinking the same thoughts, and then, unfortunately, her predictions may become a self fulfilling prophesy for you.
October 6th, 2008 at 02:48 pm 1223304489
I have been there. I think a lot of women look down upon me because they would not want to live my life. Most women I think do want someone to take care of them. I am NOT one of those women. So they don't understand how I can be happy in my situation (& they don't realize how much I am taken care of, in other ways).
I have heard a few similar things before, about my spouse.
I think I posted something similar last time you brought up your reservations about BB. I said, what does he contribute to the relationship, besides money? Hopefully, a lot!
October 6th, 2008 at 03:04 pm 1223305453
October 6th, 2008 at 03:08 pm 1223305702
Your friend. I'm sure she's a nice gal, but there's no way I could put up with someone like that. She doesn't seem to be able to see past the dollars and cents, and that's sad. And don't get wrong. I'm serious about money too. We all are if we are spending time in a personal finance website. And, money IS important in a relationship. In fact, it may be arguably the most important issue to work out.
But having said that, no I couldn't possibly date someone like your friend, regardless of whether I could afford someone like that or not.
October 6th, 2008 at 03:24 pm 1223306682
October 6th, 2008 at 03:30 pm 1223307036
I guess taking a step back from it and now having a day to get over it- its a bit amusing. I consider myself middle class, I have the education, car, lifestyle-just not the income, and she thinks it is 'settling'- I guess it is amusing since a majority of the country is basically me.
October 6th, 2008 at 03:33 pm 1223307195
October 6th, 2008 at 03:43 pm 1223307811
October 6th, 2008 at 04:53 pm 1223312023
I enjoy reading your posts!!
October 6th, 2008 at 07:35 pm 1223321727
October 6th, 2008 at 09:40 pm 1223329229
October 6th, 2008 at 11:39 pm 1223336376
October 8th, 2008 at 05:51 pm 1223488301
October 10th, 2008 at 06:14 pm 1223662494
Either way, from everything i've read, you have put significant thought into what you want from life and your relationship, so go with what you feel is right.
October 11th, 2008 at 09:41 pm 1223761315
What happens if you start a family? You'll likely be working less, or not at all, or else you'll be paying for childcare, and even aside from that, your expenses will go up big time.
October 12th, 2008 at 08:46 pm 1223844375
October 17th, 2008 at 11:50 pm 1224287438
Regardless if it's a friend or a mother, their first desire should be to see you happy and content. Also it's important for you to mention his good traits just as much as his shortcomings, financial or otherwise, in conversation. If she doesn't really know him, she bases her opinion only on what you tell her about him. Next time she starts up again, mention what a great, loving supportive person he is
October 20th, 2008 at 10:12 pm 1224540720
Is he a problem solver?
Is this man responsible, reliable, trustworthy (meaning always keeping his word)? Can he support you if something happened where you could not work for a while? When you are sick/with infant/vulnerable could he handle everything by himself?
Is he emotionally mature? kind, considerate and supportive of your goals?(by deeds not words) Is he growing in his career and personal development?
I think these things are very important if one is to ever consider having children with a man.