Well I appreciate all the career advice. Seems I just need to do what is right for me and not worry about how it disrupts the employer. I hate being the cause of problems, but I cant look out for others when it conflicts with looking out for me.

On to other ramblings...

BB has changed a bit in the last few months. Matured...not really the right word. Changed his outlook, or his sense of identity.

Since purchasing the house, BB has been a bit different. He loves owning the house. He loves the house, as do I. He loves making improvements, he loves talking about future improvements.(And he has a lot of big expensive dreams for this house.)

BB has been less focused on baseball. This was the first time he went off for the season without putting in a million hours to prepare for the season. Dare I say he was unprepared for the season.
He just wasn't focused on baseball. Baseball wasn't a priority. The house was a priority.

It seems BB has a new sense of accomplishment besides baseball. I think BB believed 'baseball' was his thing. People made more money, people had boats and cars, but no one was a pro baller and that was what set BB apart. That was what BB accomplished in life.

But owning the house has given BB a new focus. His family is so proud of him, he is so proud of himself. He really feels independent from his parents, the house has grown him up some.

And now BB is faced with a bit of a conflict. He sees how much money it takes to carry the house, he has dreams of major improvements...and he cant do any of it on his baseball salary. Even when I find a full time job, we cannot spread the money to go to all the areas we need to be saving (EF/retirement/savings for a baby/improvements). He finally sees the cost of continueing to chase the baseball dream.

And so yesterday one of his friends who is a pro scout called BB and asked when he will be retiring. He says he can get BB a job as a pro scout starting off at $35k a year, with a company car, a cell phone and a computer. And BB accepted.

Well, nothing is final. Everyone has to wait till October when the season ends before new scouts are hired on. But BB told him that he does want a scouting job.

I cant help but imagine our life when BB is making a real paycheck. I am already spending the money in my head! (not on clothes, but on mortgage paydown, and savings accounts.)

BB seems ok that this is his last year. For the first time he feels aggravated and used for the money he is (not) making. He feels more valuable than the money he is making. This coming from a man who last year said he would play for free if he had too...this is quite a change.

I truly think it was finding a sense of pride outside of baseball. It was finding 'something' that was worth sacrificing the baseball dream, or finding a new step in life that made him feel he has lived out this dream, and there is a new dream he wants to get started on.

For me, I am cautious. Once BB gets into the swing of the season, starts winning some games- this could all change. Winning and yelling fans have a strong pull on him.

If he changes his mind, I will be disapointed. I cant pay everything on my own, and I will resent him. Sometimes I resent him already. But those days a few and far between, but hard when they come. It helps me NOT resent him knowing that this is the last season.

Baseball players careers always end badly. They rarely retire on top. For a player to retire, they are either injured beyond rehabilitation, or they are released because they are not good enough. One is a source of bitterness and lifelong pain, the other is humiliating and also causes bitterness. If BB retired because he found another interest (our house, or a job), then he has a chance to go out on his terms. He has a chance to make the decision, rather than having it made for him. But he needs to really mentally be prepared to retire. He needs to be excited to retire. He needs to feel like baseball is holding him back from something, rather than providing him with something.

I think he is close to there. He looks at the game differently than he did. He talks more like a coach or a scout than a player. He assess other players abilities and thinks about the team as a dynamic whole, rather than how he alone is contributing. He is concerned with helping other players, rather than looking at them as competition. He's just talking and thinking a little differently than last year.

And if he does decide to retire after the season- I will feel a sense of accomplishment in myself. That I didn't force him to retire and give up his dream. That I stood by him and supported him. I will feel proud that I do have a husband who dreams big and tries. (It's easier to be proud that your spouse dreams when they are done dreaming and have given up).

I hope that if he does retire- that he felt he went as far as he could. That he played till the end, and he is excited for a new chapter in life. I do get excited about a bigger paycheck coming in, but know that the paycheck wont be big enough if he ends up regretting the decision and complains for the rest of his (our) life.

And this is all very far into the future. We still have to get me a regular employment job, and finish out this season before we can see what options are available for him. But it keeps me looking ahead.