So....I have mentally bounced back and forth on a topic I have not discussed yet in this blog. I have not talked about it because...it changes things. And I like you guys, I like the 'online' person that I am, and I like my blog writing experience so far.
But sometimes I see others dealing with it, or read about their confusion and I KNOW it’s a psychologically changing event because I went through it myself. And just a bit ago I was commenting about this topic on the forums and now my mind is on the topic. Thinking back to my own experience reminds me how dramatically things can change from it. In the past, I have done a brief online search for this topic, but never found discussions about how it changes you, your life and the people around you, just financial education about it.
So...ugh. I hate this. I guess I will say it. Inheritance. That word is not so bad. BIG Inheritance. There. That’s my dirty little secret.
I guess I will spill the beans. I inherited about a million dollars about 3 years ago. Ugh. I hate admitting this.
So you all know my mom died. She was diagnosed as Bi-polar and was a wild and crazy shopper. But 11 years before my mom died, my dad died, and I don’t know how much $$ he left her, but based on vague references from her financial advisor and looking at bookwork and receipts, she spent well over half in the 11 years Dad was gone. Here’s my disclaimer - (I have learned to recognize peoples, or my own psychological, societal justifications.) I was pretty positive I would inherit debt. I never knew what my mom started out with, but I knew she was spending a lot more than she was making- she blew through my inheritance from my dad-(I was a young minor so she could) so I never counted on any money from my family and lived a very frugal life (away from her) and pictured a very frugal future. (See- I justify why I deserve this money- I actually feel the need to explain my actions to make myself feel better about getting the money- you see how inheritances can just mess someone up?)
So her getting cancer when I can barely tolerate her-her dying within a few weeks- me being there only for the last 2 weeks- then getting a pile of money and a pile of legal/financial/probate/real estate confusion on top of sorting through my families EVERYTHING and learning a lot about deceased family members- it just messed me up. Hard core.
I WISH that it was a topic that I could have looked up online (because I looked) like mental disorders, grief,inheretance money issues are available...but all that rolled into one topic that talks about how it changes YOUR LIFE- not really discussed.
My friends have not had to go through it yet...but my friendships have changed as a result of my going through it.I learned a lot, and regret a lot. Maybe I was young and immature and that inheritances are normally handled very well, I wouldn’t know- because I am the only person I know that this happened to- but since I am in a sentimental mood- I will outline a few BIG lessons I learned, and also constantly break along the way. I have stories to tell- and just plain "I don’t understand why that happened or what I was thinking" moments- but that would make for a long blog post.
To start are the cardinal rules that work for me-(not that they are easy to stick to) but they seem to be a universal truth- they always work for me in every situation. And if I ever went through it again (I wont- but Baseball boy will-maybe in the next 10 yrs) I would read these every day before going out into the world.
P.S. I know that the logical side of your brain is wondering where the money is-NO I DID NOT SPEND IT ALL ON BOATS AND CARS!!!Lol. After paying $76,000 in bills from my mom- I bought a new car that I plan to keep forever- $23,000. I took a few vacations -$3,000. This wedding monstrosity that I already regret- $21,000. And the rest is in the declining stock market and real estate market that has me in tears every month. So it is steadily declining...but not by my hand. It took a good 2.5 yrs to develop and stick to a plan, but Baseball boy and I have the rest planned for retirement. It's been a long road getting there though.
Lessons learned:
1. Do not make a single financial decision for a long time. It's ok to sell a property that is losing money and you just inherently 'know' you need to get rid of ASAP- but everything else should wait. If you are unsure about something or it's a possession that is not increasing/decreasing in value- hold onto it for a year.
2. Do not tell anyone about it. (You SEE how I break these rules?) The less people know about it the better. You will need to vent/ and complain as well as brag and say 'Oh my god' then do it online annoyminously (See-I redeemed myself.) EVERYTHING changes when there is a change in affluence in your status. Especially when it is 'free money' from an inheretance.
3. Research. Everything. People come out of the woodwork to sell you things and manipulate you. They have methods of knowing who you are. I don’t know how they know it, but they do.
4.You will want to give it away. I dont know why. Money guilt. Not educationaslly bright. Thinking the amount is larger than it is (as in, it will last longer, buy more than it does). You will even pay more for an item than it is worth, or pay for items you dont want for stupid reasons. (The salesman is cute, you feel bad because the person works on commission and they have a family to feed, the store is going out of buisiness and your money will make a difference in the workers lives) So unless you are aware of this- you will lose a portion of it to generosity that suddenly apears within you.
5. Declutter your life. Paperwork, learning things, life experiences are overwhelming and the more you can throw away, give away the better. But don’t give/throw away anything you are unsure about! See number 1.
6. Accept that you will contradict yourself and confuse others. You’re in a dazed state of mind even when you think you are thinking clearly. YOU ARE NOT!
7. Money guilt. It’s a powerful, powerful thing. I can’t even go there right now.
8.Pay attention to your standard of living...it goes up quickly and it is hard to bring back down...make sure your lifestyle doesn’t outpace your inheritance.
9. it’s a bit of a dirty word. This inheritance thing. America is built on the premise of 'pulling yourself up by your bootstraps' and 'working your way to the top' and people respect you less if they know where your money comes from. But they won’t admit it. Maybe you will respect yourself less- I know I do.
10. Don’t rely on it. It will make you feel less powerful, less accomplished, less valued and less everything. Working hard and 'earning' something is truly the only way you appreciate things and like yourself.
11. Create a long term plan for it. Not right away and not in one conversation-with anybody! Do not commit to any plan right way. Discuss options with people you trust or need to discuss it with. But wait a year to commit to anything. But have a short term plan before the long term plan. Money earmarked for something- even if it’s earmarked to sit tight until the 1 yr mark and long term plan is made- is safe. Money sitting somewhere until you create a long term plan will get spent. Things will come up, decisions will be made- it will be gone. And when you have big money sitting around its harder to see the 'need' from the 'want'.
Thats it. For now. I'm tired.
my dirty dirty secret...
September 12th, 2008 at 03:33 pm
September 12th, 2008 at 03:59 pm 1221235164
I told her I would trade her. She could have the land and I could have my dad back.
My father died before my grandmother. Therefore, when she died and all of her five children received their share, they split my dad's cut between me and my half brother.
I was a little bitter that he got half, as he was never around, didn't come to either funeral, and I didn't think he deserved it, but my mom set me straight.
"He deserves half because he didn't have your dad. You did have him and he lost out. He should get the money for missing out on having him too."
That changed my mind about being bitter.
I didn't receive nearly the amount you did, but your advice will help me determine what to do with it.
Thanks
September 12th, 2008 at 05:03 pm 1221239023
September 12th, 2008 at 05:21 pm 1221240113
Your post made me go over my conversations with my friend in my mind to make sure I didn't say anything to add to his already-mixed emotions about the inheritance. I think I did OK!
September 12th, 2008 at 05:33 pm 1221240830
I really have to say something about #9. I don't think simply having an inheritance, especially in light of all the trauma you've had to endure, makes you a lesser person. You took that inheritance, and instead of impulsively squander it all away on shopping sprees, you turned it around and made it work for you! That's a wonderful thing! It shows sensibility and intelligence, and frankly I think it makes you more than you give yourself credit for. As it has always been said here, it's not how much you have, but it's what you do with it that matters.
One more thing: The internet is not safe either. In some ways, it's actually less safe. Many ways to track people, even if they don't completely know your exact real life identity. If you think about it, Viagra spam in our email is the classic example of the vulnerabilities that still exist out here. You're not in danger or anything, but I'm just saying that even on the internet, you'll want to be very careful.
I always keep at least two separate accounts. One I use for real life correspondences. The other is completely separate, and used only for online. It minimizes the risk, but even then, I already know that my online identity has been compromised.
September 12th, 2008 at 05:34 pm 1221240845
September 12th, 2008 at 05:38 pm 1221241104
September 12th, 2008 at 05:49 pm 1221241770
I think #2 is kind of important. It's probably hard to keep something like that inside. BUT people react so weird to it - especially when it comes to $1 mil. They think you are suddenly rich and you suddenly realize $1 mil is not enough to retire on (sometimes too late). I think that alone, let alone the grief, is insurmountably hard.
Hehe - no wonder I was confused when you said you had a rental. "Huh?" I was thinking. Did I miss something?
Truth be told I received a $20k inheritance/gift when I Was 17. Nothing near in the realm you (& others) speak of - was not a relative I really knew - so not the emotions. BUT I have never really told anyone or mentioned in my blog. I can only imagine how that would feel to take it to the million dollar level. !!!!!!!!!
I totally understand why you would never mention it. I think anonymously is a good route to go - to get some of it off your chest. Though agreed to be careful. But I think a support system like this is a good place. You'll still get the weird assumptions, but more people who can relate and understand money doesn't solve all your problems. Money doesn't even solve all your money problems...
September 12th, 2008 at 07:04 pm 1221246241
September 12th, 2008 at 08:04 pm 1221249893
September 12th, 2008 at 09:12 pm 1221253974
I think that our current economic situation is affecting alot of people's attitudes out there. Yes, there are alot of people losing homes, losing in the stock market (if they sell), losing cars, and the list goes on.
Enjoy that your parents made provisions for you.
September 12th, 2008 at 09:16 pm 1221254202
September 13th, 2008 at 12:47 am 1221266821
My grandparents kept it in CD's for him, and he has always known that it was there. I think this is the reason that he has been able to come to terms with it pretty easily. As of right now, his plans are to buy an old pick-up and fix it up, buy a few acres of land to eventually build a house on, pay for two years of technical school, and put the rest into savings. I'm proud of him, because he's not had the easiest life, and $50,000 is nothing compared to losing a father when you are 6.
September 13th, 2008 at 04:52 am 1221281547
I think its because net worth is a bit like body weight. Both usually creep up slowly, giving you time to adjust to the different stages - today I'm worth 50K, if stocks had a good day, tomorrow I'm worth 51K - and your tastes and spending adjust accordingly. But when you inherit, today I'm worth 50K, tomorrow I'm worth 1050K. Boom. Its like going to bed thin and waking up obese. Its going to shake you up.
September 13th, 2008 at 01:45 pm 1221313526