I am still thinking about Baseball boy’s money habits. You know what? I think I am being a tad unfair.
I KNOW what he gets paid. I am in charge of the bank account and so I KNOW how much money is in it. I KNOW that the FL bills are about $700 a month, and that the travel money provided by the team will come up short during the drive. And lastly, I KNOW that Baseball boy will not take out a pen/paper and run numbers to see where we are at, where we need to be.
Yet, did I plan for our return trip back to Florida? No. Did I mentally figure out how much money we need in reserve to get back on our feet in Florida? No.
I have been living in the present, living in "lets pay off this credit card bill, and lower the wedding expenses, and start looking at classifieds for Florida jobs" when that is all good, but I shouldn’t be relying on Baseball boy to be able to cover all the upcoming expenses he promises to cover when I can see the bank account and can see its not going to work.
Sure, I can be frustrated that Baseball boy promised me $300 to go towards the wedding then took it back to pay for upcoming bills. I can be frustrated he talked me into an expensive tricked out phone that he really did not have the money to pay for, but, Hello! I have been tracking stuff and should have realized long ago that the season will end, and we better be able to cover the expenses.
I think that during this season I have not approved of a few of Baseball boys purchases, only about $200 altogether (not including the phones)and to retaliate I held him to his word that he would pay all expenses this season. I did some things frugally, like conserved gas, and skipped some meals, but I have still lived a pretty healthy version of my normal life.
Now, here at the end of the season I am getting frustrated that he is concerned about the money needed to get back to Florida and such, and I am annoyed he did not plan for it.
I think I am annoyed with both of us. I am annoyed because he mentally spends money before he has it. Telling me he will pay all of "our" expenses this season so I can focus on the wedding. Previously telling friends that he will pay for this or that before even finding out what the cost is.
So what do I do? I try to get him to change his ways by manipulation. (Though it was all subconscious-I swear!)
I don’t like a few of his purchases but I hold my tongue to try and "show him how he needs to change his lifestyle" by not really altering mine and showing him he cannot afford what he thinks he can afford. Then I let him get in a bind just to get him to reach that financial level of concern, to try and get him to get active and take a role in finances. I want him to feel uncomfortable the way I feel uncomfortable when I look over our spending habits.
Ohhhh. I am an evil evil woman. Iset him up to fail. I didn’t even realize I was doing all this till I started blogging just now. I don’t like admitting my part in all this. It is easy to blame Baseball boy and only point out his faults. But I have financial faults too- and part of my reason for blogging was to discover those faults. I just found one. I am not proud.
And any of you saying "what the heck?" to yourselves; read my previous entry to catch up.
more money issues coming to light
August 5th, 2008 at 06:44 pm
August 5th, 2008 at 07:13 pm 1217959997
August 5th, 2008 at 07:25 pm 1217960726
August 5th, 2008 at 07:26 pm 1217960773
We made a list of what our priorities really are, and discussed what we were both willing to sacrifice. My husband would love a fancy phone, but he wants retirement and our children's education first. And the phone he has does the trick just fine. Seriously, it is easier if you are both on board. It won't matter that he doesn't make that much money or get consistent paychecks if you are both on the same page. Make a budget. Stick to it. Add in things like parties and toys. We do, but we also get some joy from NOT getting a new toy and stashing that money instead. I feel pretty smug knowing that when our espresso machine died, rather than getting a new one right away (which we could do without a problem), we decided to use the stove top espresso thing for a few months to save a few $. Now it's been almost 6 months, but TOGETHER we decided that we will get a new one by Christmas. We're not going without espresso, just making due with an inferior tool for a while.
I'm happy for you that you're learning things with your blog. It is fun to read and I'm rooting for you!!
August 5th, 2008 at 07:42 pm 1217961742
Next time he makes a promise, and you know from your record-keeping that it will never come to fruition, test out some new behavior. See if you're capable of confronting him directly with the truth. And then see if he's capable of coming back down to earth and revising his thinking. This will tell you a lot about whether you two can eventually come together more on your finances.
August 5th, 2008 at 07:45 pm 1217961916
It seems like your emotions getting the best of you or it is in the way making you feel like your tossing and turning like the wind. Try to list all the facts and stick with it regardless of how you feel at the moment when it comes to financial planning and spending.
Truth is you can only be responsible for your own actions as the same as your bf is responsible for his own actions and it seems like you are trying to take it all as your own responsibility. That is a hard and stressful way to live with that burden. If you take all the burdens, then you might be enabling bf to think that it is "Ok" to do that to you.
Only you can take care of yourself the best way and the rest will fall into place.
August 5th, 2008 at 10:20 pm 1217971227
You also need to set up a budget that you both agree to. I put the monthly budget together and wife reviews it. She knows how much she can spend per category and I know how much I can spend (and we do have blow money, vacation, eating out, entertainment, etc.). Once the budget is set, the budget is the boss. If you run out of money, you run out of money.
If you have want to change the budget, you both have to agree. If one of you doesn't, the budget doesn't change. Once you are married, you are a team. It's not your finacial goals and his, its ours.
And that is the hardest thing about marriage, you are one. But try budgeting and lay down some rules around the budget. Also, enevelopes for variable expenses are a good idea.
Good luck. And hopefully, you'll find yourself and future husband having very open communication where you are both on the same page.
August 5th, 2008 at 11:07 pm 1217974078
ps. Love your writing style -- I've just spent a couple of hours reading all your old blog posts. I'd love it if you enabled the RSS feed!
pps. Definitely consider writing a book about the minor leagues -- you could hold off on publishing it until after BBB retires if you're concerned about it impacting his career.
ppps. Curious to hear what your master's degree was in and what sort of job you'll look for when the season is over.
August 6th, 2008 at 12:55 am 1217980539
i have the same thoughts some times. i don't particularly 'blame' BF for things, but I tend to make comments or sigh and go 'why haevn't you put any money in your SAVINGS account lately?' or 'why did you buy THAT' etc etc.
the thing is, if he was any bit as interested in finance as I was, he would be making exactly the same comments to me. ('why did you spend that much money on ONE dress?' and 'why do you still owe four grand on your car?' and 'why do you have to have coffee with a friend from work four times a week when you WORK TOGETHER?')
I guess there comes a time when you have to just relax a little about things. I feel bad when i think about the above comments I make, then the comments he ideally SHOULD be making about me, but doesn't. So lately I have been holding my tongue, because I think it's unfair I say those things when I do the same things that he does.
Argh. I guess you just have to realise that you're in this boat together, you're going to have to find a way to work together even though you're both totally different (as are BF and I) and that things aren't going to be easy all the time. (if, at all!).
Thankyou for sharing your entry though, I have recently realised the same thing.
August 6th, 2008 at 12:55 am 1217980552
August 6th, 2008 at 01:13 pm 1218024794
August 6th, 2008 at 05:16 pm 1218039372
August 7th, 2008 at 04:32 am 1218079970
BF & I go through this some. He doesn't like to get into the detailed parts of budgeting... and that's the part I really enjoy. I feel bad sometimes, because I know where we stand at any given time, so if I want to have a snack at work, I know if we can afford it. But, since he doesn't, he feels like he has to check with me before he does it. For this reason, I think I may end up giving him $20 cash to spend however he wants, when we have it. That way I know how much is taken out, and he knows he has that to spend.
You guys have it kind of complicated though, with moving around and varying income, so good luck!
August 8th, 2008 at 02:13 am 1218158031